Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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