I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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