I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
