You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
