This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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