i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
