shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
