If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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