I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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