You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
