Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
