Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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