her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
