speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
