wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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