Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
