he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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