I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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