I could make wine with my vomit
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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