You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I wish there were birth control emojis
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
