your thong is hanging out like whoa
Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
