Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
