dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
