Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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