Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
