I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
