I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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