Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
