Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
