I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
