i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
