I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Randomize
