Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
