I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
