Welp...herpes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
time to smoke my breakfast
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
