Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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