I look better un-naked...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
