come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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