hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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