You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
