it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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