I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just forgot I was standing up.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
