drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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