shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize