Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
