so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
