I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
organizing the empties. That sober.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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