i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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