Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
