You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
