I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
